If I could ask one band to reunite for just one show it would be Acceptance.

Thinking back on the night I saw them makes me realize that being in a band is what I would like to do most with my life. It was one of the greatest nights of my whole life, spent with two of my favorite people in the whole world.

If they would play one more show, I would buy flights for me and those two people to go see them again wherever it was happening. It would be so much fun. One of those adventures that the three of us used to have all the time.

Damn. I get so nostalgic.
That's why I will never feel like 'now' is as good as 'then'.

The clock runs like expired milk
We're pushing cars off of cliffs just for the thrill
Nothing will ever change
but it won't ever stay the same
The camera's rolling on time
but your acting is unconvincing to any of us
Nothing will ever change
but it won't ever stay the same

I found this and really liked it.

If you don't know the reference, its Peter Pan. Wendy gives Peter a thimble when he doesn't know what a kiss is. To return her kiss he gives her and acorn button.

I want a girl (the girl) to be cute with and give an acorn to. Hopefully she would get it and give me a thimble in return. This makes me want to get a Peter Pan inspired tattoo. Something about never wanting to grow up. hmmmm......

There was only one thing I wanted for Christmas. And only one person who could give it.
But I couldn't even ask that person for it.
And, of course, if she didn't know, there's no way I would get it.

I wish I could just send a letter with one request on it, once a year and Santa would see to it.

Maybe after all of this
you and I should just settle down.
Nothing I try is working out
and I'll make sure it won't for you the next time around.

I can't help thinking about how much better off
I would have been if I had never met you
and how much worse I'd be, all the same
forked roads and failed friends always get the best of me

share a thought or a cigarette
or everything we had, with someone else
you'll always be a part of me
you'll always be a part of me

you'll always be apart from me

shoot something into my veins
maybe a smile
maybe something deadly
I'm falling apart to make sense to me

make it big
or make it something the pious pray for
make it a miracle
or make it something they'll never cure
I'm dying to be famous
and you're killing to get my attention off you
keyboard brains and late night hearts can never get enough of this

take myself out to get you off my mind
maybe sunshine
there are hundreds with the same idea as me
all of us are just looking for attention

windows down
winter air never felt so lonely
despite the company of snow flakes
I wish they were cold drinks in our summer

on the day to day
i find myself finding myself feeling okay
but these unexpected confrontations
leave me feeling that the wounds still aren't healing
calculate the principles of normalcy
and find nothing will ever be the way its supposed to be
but on the day to day
i find myself finding myself feeling okay

I am an escapist.
But the fire escape is burning
and the chute won't open.
Find pleasure in dying to get away,
Living is more than being alive
or waiting to die.

Every inch produces more scrapes and bruises
Dragging myself to some place I can drag you down.
'cause we all know you love to get down.
I can't sleep without dreaming about getting out
or off this building with no integrity.
'cause we all know you love to get (me) down.

Count me in
if being in is everything I've imagined
I'm dying for a hit,
but I can't stop missing (you)
or missing out on something else
or waiting to die.

Its playing in the rain and never getting wet,
window shopping but never buying.
You never miss what you never had and now I've had it all.

Count me in,
or count the things that are better now.
Eaves dropping
...
and hearing nothing.
I'm waiting for something.

Wait, wait, wait or get out.
or wait it out,
a little of both never hurt anyone.
Wait, wait, wait,
a little disaster never hurt anyone.

This is a hard time of the year for me.
And this year is particularly hard for me because I'm not medicating myself with intoxication and unhealthy relationships anymore.

So here is a list of things I find help me get by:
writing music
producing visual art
writing here
discussing philosophy
playing video games
taking time to really appreciate the beauty of women I encounter almost daily
smoking hookah
making monthly resolutions
listening to good music
Sex, Drugs and Cocoa Puffs by Chuck Klosterman
and most recently, 808s and Heartbreak by Kanye West

I have notebooks full of words I've strung together.
Some of them hateful, some hopeful.
Truth is, I'm rarely either about what/who I'm writing about.

Please don't take what I write as who I am all the time. I generally fall somewhere between the two.I tend to write when I'm in one of those places because they are far more interesting than, 'life is okay, nothing is awful, nothing is worth getting my hopes up.'

Emotion is far more interesting than the mundane trivial details of my life, so I write them.

Struggles to be hopeful and to reconcile things that are down right shitty are things that everyone can understand. I am hopeful for life in general. It always works out. Even when the world is falling apart, there will always be a sunrise.

I am not ashamed of where I came from.

I am not disappointed by the past.

I am not going to be discouraged by any failure.



I am going to pick up the pieces.

I am planning on making the next few years something I can take pride in.

I am eventually going to win.



I will get through any heartache.

I will get her at some point.

I will be worthwhile.



Don't drag me down.
I've got myself for that.
I'd (I swear I will) do better to find that pink tuxedo.
The back seat is always open
with the rear view angled in your direction
for whenever you decide to get back in.

Different

I remember when these words meant the world to us:

Tell myself on the ride home.
Getting tired, hating all I've known.
Holding on like it's all I have.
Count me out when it's clear that I
find it hard to say.
And you find it hard to care.

I wanted to see something that's different,
something you said would change in me.
Wanted to be anything different,
everything you would change in me.

Got this way, up front but never true.
God, I'm wrong, it's just the way I am.
Crashing down any chance you'll hear.
Caving in any chance that you,
could see inside of me.
And I, I'll know what to say,
It's fine, this isn't Hollywood.
So fine, getting in your way.

I wanted to see something that's different,
something you said would change in me.
Wanted to be anything different,
everything you would change in me.

I'm taking a chance,
this could be different.
This could be all I'm waiting for.
Taking a chance,
this could be different.
This could be all I'm waiting for.

I wanted to see something that's different,
something you said would change in me.
Wanted to be anything different,
everything you would change in me.

Something that's different (something that's different)

-Acceptance

World poverty is something that I have a great passion for. Despite what you think about poverty in America, welfare issues, or socialist ideals, there are places in the world where people are dying because they have no opportunity to acquire the funding they need for day to day living. It doesn't matter if you think that welfare is a chance for people to freeload off the government or that its a great idea because other places in the world don't have the chance to make a living for themselves and need help. As a part of one of the most financially blessed nations in the world, even in a massive economic crisis, we have resources to help these countries in need.

I encourage you to look into one.org

It is a campaign to take a very small fraction of the money earned by the government and allot it toward helping poverty stricken nations.

Currently, signatures are being collected for a petition encouraging our president elect to address this campaign in his inaugural address in January. I think that this is invaluable way for our country to take a stand against global poverty and really make a difference. It only takes a few seconds to sign the petition, so please, if you care about this issue, check out this link:

http://www.one.org/inauguration/

I've been thinking about the records that I will place in my top 10 for the year.

I don't think I'm going to make a list this year.

Not that I don't think that there were too few amazing albums, or even that there are too many to sift through. It's just that the records I listened to the most probably aren't the best, or even my favorite. My listening has been all over the place this year and I love so many discs on so many different levels that it hard to say that one is actually better than another. Maybe I'll just make a huge list of all the stuff I got this year that really stuck with me.

Maybe I will write about a few that I really know I love and put a lot of thought about why I loved them. That will have a lot more writing potential than a sloppy list or 10 mediocre reviews of albums I'm not even that sure about.

Thinking out loud.

At some point in the past year I slipped from the pursuit of being a good man (the kind of man that she wanted me to be, the kind that really subscribes fully to the teachings of Christ) and delved into a world of self destruction and indulgence just to punish her in some sick way.

I hoped that every wrong act I committed would scream that she was the fault. I think that point may have just slipped right past her and said something more like 'I never really was the man you thought,' which is even less productive than the former.

Its true that I did do some of it to stay away some of the pain I was feeling, but most of it was a hate letter written in my own blood. It was the only way for me to exact my revenge; I never had the heart to do anything to her. Deep down I will always be that guy incapable of truly destroying another person, especially her.

The point at which I played my failed hand was about this time during the year.

Holidays.

I hate the holidays.
Christmas is for lovers
And when I am loveless they seem worthless. Not this year though. I'm going to make it through this winter with cold hands and no touch to warm them.

At least that's the plan.

'I get by with a little help from my friends,
I get...' Yeah tried that one too. Not really the solution I was looking for.

Tonight, for the first time in months, I let the pain actualize, realized how much I missed her, and let the tears run. Pathetic, that more than a year later I'm still caught up by her. Her name still makes me flinch. I think that's what brought on the emotion. Brutal questioning.

'Are you still getting over...'

Absolutely. If I ever really do, well, it'll be a miracle.
It's not even a love thing anymore. Its...

I don't even know what it is. I just don't want to look back on what we had with regret. At this point 'just getting over it' seems like it would make me regret having ever met her. Hope keeps me from regretting it.

I need a princess to save me. Sometimes the prince needs a little saving too.

There I said it.

I need rescuing.
More than most.

I need a savior.

'Best friends, ex-friends 'til the end.'

That's what I miss most. Having a best friend that gets every thing I don't say before I spew it in a mess like this. Maybe it'll never happen again. I'm lucky to have had it at all. I'd be even luckier to have it happen again.

Or get it back with her.

'Better off as lovers, but not the other way around'
Maybe that's how we were. Maybe it just can't work unless we are in love, and I'm fairly certain that will never happen again. But what is life with out hope?

Meaningless or boring.

And I won't settle for either.

If You Could Remember

Why can't we go back, back to a time
When your hopes and goals were the same as mine
The world could have been on fire
But in our own world, everything was fine
We used to walk the exact same line
So close but I never saw any sign
I look at my empty hands and wonder, how the hell I could have been so blind

If you could remember
Before things went wrong things went right
Just try to remember
Every time the sun would never rise
We stayed up all night
I have to remember
How it hurt not to be with you
Now it hurts when I think of you
I just try to remember
No matter how much I wanted, it wasn't our time

I hate myself for letting things fall apart
I hate myself not seeing things from the start
I hate the fact we act like we don't even know each other
It's not that I'm still in love with you
Well I can feel a little yet, that's true
I just don't want to look back with regret on the time that I spent with you

If you could remember
Before things went wrong things went right
Just try to remember
Every time the sun would never rise
We stayed up all night
I have to remember
How it hurt not to be with you
Now it hurts when I think of you
I just try to remember
No matter how much i wanted, it wasn't our time

No matter how hard I try
I thought you were never satisfied
No matter how hard you tried
You thought I was never satisfied
No matter how hard I try
I thought you were never satisfied
No matter how hard you tried
You thought I was never...

If you could remember
Before things went wrong things went right
Just try to remember
Every time the sun would never rise
We stayed up all night
I have to remember
How it hurt not to be with you
Now it hurts when I think of you
I just try to remember
No matter how much I wanted, it wasn't our time


-Damnation A.D.

In the past year I have run my life through the gauntlet.
Fortunately the damage I took was mendable and grace is enough to get me back on the path I want to be with my life.

I'll admit I gained more rough edges than I had before. I am not the same boy that I was for the past year, but I'm not quite the same one as I was before. I would like to say that deep down the things that made me me are the same but I don't even know if that's true at this point.

I'm working on it.
The beauty of grace is that it makes life not fair.
Thank God for second chances because I would be in a fairly shitty situation if they didn't exist.

Every second I'm awake is a reminder that I'm not quite like anyone else.

And neither is she.

They say 'its better to have loved and lost than to have never loved at all.'
I don't know.

Sometimes I think it would have been better to have never fallen in love. I have once, maybe twice. I was sure of it the first time... but then the second one happened. Now I have doubts about whether the first was real love at all.

Had the second never happened I wouldn't really know what love is and anything better than the first would hold the illusion. Then I could at least believe that I could find love again.

The things I really mean, the things I truly believe 100%, are the things I say when no one is around to hear them. In the dark, alone in my room.

I don't want to fall in love

I will always wonder if I really am, or if she really compares, or if she will ever come back around.

Too many ifs.

Breathe, just breathe. The best advice she ever gave me.

Watch this film: Wristcutters- A Love Story

I miss this band so much. If Midtown ever does a reunion tour I will be the first in line to get tickets.

I seek companionship constantly.

Not necessarily romantic companionship, just kindred spirits, people so similar to me that I can share my whole life with them without feeling embarrassed or ashamed of anything that I care about or do.

Unfortunately, all of my closest friends have other people in their lives that are closer than I am. It makes me feel alone sometimes. Sometimes I just want a relationship so I can have someone that close all the time. But on the other hand I know what I want in a relationship so I can't settle for just anything. And there will always be a part of me that screams how I'm better off on my own, that keeping people at arms length is far more safe and wise than letting myself fall for anyone ever again. Fortunately, its rare that that thought overwhelms my desire for someone to share life with.

Someday.

Everything I do, everything I eat, drink, feel and say, everywhere I go and everything I think is because someone I admire already did.

I don't feel this is a waste of my life. It just means I get to spend it being a part of the people I respect and desire to be like.

Imitation is suicide.
I disagree.

Is there anything that hasn't been said? Anything that hasn't been made? Anything at all that has never been done? Is there a single inch of this earth's surface that hasn't been seen? I doubt it. So we are all a synthesis of the experiences of those that walked the paths before us.

Is it wrong to single out a few paths to follow? I don't think so. Then at least I have a direction to be heading, right?

a word on patriotism

Let me preface this by saying that this does not pertain to either political candidate that ran for the presidency this year. This is not based on my political opinions and I would say it regardless of the outcome. You can speculate who I voted for based on this but I am positive that any speculation will be wrong.

One of my good friends has a very very conservative, Republican grandma. She was openly a McCain supporter. However on Wednesday (I believe) she asked my friend if he had another Obama button, because she wanted to wear one since he was her new President and wanted to support him.

It gave me chills hear that.

That, my friends, is what true patriotism is.

It baffles me that people are talking about leaving the country, committing treason, or other anti-Obama actions.

A large portion of those people claim to love and defend democracy.

By saying that Obama is the wrong choice is saying that democracy doesn't work and is wrong. The idea behind democracy is that the majority makes the decisions for the country. By subscribing to it as a choice form of government means that sometimes the nation will not decide the things that you believe.

THAT IS NOT A BAD THING!

You do not have to agree with the decisions made by the government, but if you think that democracy is the best form of government then you have to support then you have to be okay with any of the choices made.

Protest if you disagree, or wait until the next election and get out and push for more similar minded people to get out and vote. Only 64% of Americans voted this year. If we can get more people to vote we can get a more accurate representation for the nation's desires. From my personal encounters the Democrats were far more active in getting people out to vote which probably aided in the results in Colorado's presidential choice as well as the choice for the Colorado amendments, Congress and Senate.

There are things that people need to think about before they get up in arms about the decision that our country made. Please think about what to do next time around instead of planning on ways to escape the next four years.

Tomorrow is the day.
Go vote.

I won't tell you to vote for a specific candidate or how to vote on the amendments. I know people vary in their ideals and issues that they care about, so vote for the things you care about. Just do it!

Voting is a right that our country was founded on. Take advantage of it!

i'm finally going to acknowledge something about myself. something i've kept a secret for the past few years.

the thing i look for most in love is not traditional. it isn't companionship, its isn't trust, hell it isn't even sex. sure i ultimately desire those things once i have love, but they aren't what make me crave love.

the thing i crave is the sensuality.

sensuality.

secretly grabbing her hand at inappropriate times.
her nose brushing against mine while we're cuddled up on the couch.
the first few innocent, confused, horrified kisses.

all of it is so perfect. its why i have a hard time in relationships. i try to make that last forever. i know it cant be found the same way after a while, but i keep fighting to find ways to acquire that rush. and i always desire for her to want it as much as i do.

there has to be a girl like that somewhere.

there's something very liberating about being on stage.
its a act of expression. screaming a message through music.

i felt that again tonight. it was awesome. i didn't do anything to calm my nerves, i wanted to feel every ounce of the adrenaline. even though the words weren't mine, the task of delivering them was given to me in part and they became something of me.

i love it. i need it.

there are few things i really need.
water
food
shelter

...and a medium to express something in me

sorry i was a little off. it been a year since i did that last. i'll get back in the swing of it, make it truly mine.

All I have is time.

A breath suspended between words, probably manipulative to some degree. Words for some selfish gain.

Maybe next time will be different.
I could be different, but first I need a reason to be different.
Maybe next time.
Hopefully next time.

All I have is time.

Give me a chance and I will change the way you see things.
Love is a game, but I won't settle for a loss.
Maybe a tie, or a stalemate.
Something we have to settle later. And I will win.

I really want to put up some pictures of my art from this semester on here, but Betony has my camera. Damn.

I'm really proud of some of the stuff I've done. I think I want to expand on my two favorite projects. Take one a little further and make one into something a little different, a little more functional. I'll post pictures as soon as I get my camera back and then I'll decide on the changes.

To not be cynical about our nation, the promises of politicians, and even the coming election is to be blind to the catastrophe we are surrounded by.

To turn a blind eye is to be part of the problem. To ignore the suffering of the world is to deny what our nations has claimed to be and stands for. To pretend that we are truly doing good in the world is to lie to one's self.

Be aware. Learn of the suffering around the world. Feel. Suffer distress for those that are starving, living on the streets, and dying of easily treated causes. DO SOMETHING!

What causes are you sympathetic to? What problems do you feel most passionately about remedying?

I honestly can't say where my life is going.

I have so many goals that conflict that it will be nearly impossible to attain them all.

so how do I choose?

maybe its one of those things where I just have to see what happens. I don't really like just waiting to see. I like to be able to do the things I have a longing for, but I don't know how to do all of them. and I don't know how to weigh them all out and eliminate the ones that are lesser. in my mind they are all equal.

hmm...

Remember when we met?
Remember when we discovered Acceptance?
Do you remember the songs we fell in love to?

I do.

Do you remember the first time I told you 'i love you'?
Remember how it felt to want to never let go?
Remember how hard the distance became?

I do.

Remember when I realized that no one else compared?
Do you remember trying to do it all over again?
Remember when we failed to let each other know all the things we thought?
How it started to fall apart?
That I didn't know what had happened?

Remember that perfect moment of clarity when we both knew what had happened and at the same time knew it was too late for us?

Do you remember how hard I fought?
How much I cried?
How much of myself was lost when you drove away that last night?
How I will never be able to be that boy ever again?
How something was completely changed in that instant?

Do you remember how much a struggled to make you hear me out? To give me one last chance? A do-over? Anything?

Remember that goodbye note you wrote me? The one I received one year ago today?

Remember the reply I never was able to get out quite right?
Of course not, I never sent it. I never even signed my name.

Well here it is. Everything I need to say.

I love you.
I always will.
Things are different now, and will never be the same.
Goodbye my friend.
Maybe in another life, another time or place, we will meet again.
I love you.

This is my eulogy of sorts. My goodbye note to my dearest of friends. The one I doubt she will ever even read. I have finally let go, finally gotten over her. But her voice, laugh, smile will haunt me for eternity. I will always miss her.

Goodbye my friend.

the single thing i hate most in the entire world is that moment when you realize its starting to get light outside and the night is over. any night that end up in me staying up to see the sun rise is an awesome night, and i hate that it has to end.

i say this because i saw nick and norah's infinite playlist last night. (go see it. it's awesome.) the majority of the movie takes place at night and it ends when the sun starts to come up and i was disappointed for them that the night had to end.

i love night time. i love the dark and the cold. i wish it could just be night all the time.

having moved back to colorado i miss:
urban golf
staying up way too late
getting up way too early
not sleeping enough
eating with people at every meal
adventures
having built in friends

had i not moved back to colorado i would miss:
new friends
playing music
going to shows
having a big room all to myself
getting enough sleep
my cats

i don't know which i would prefer

sometimes the things i do seems stupid. dangerous. unhealthy. to everyone around me.

please be patient. i'm not perfect. it's not an excuse, just the truth.
i'm trying to be the best boy possible, and stay myself.
then again, even if i could be the best, i don't know that i would. that's a lot to live up to. the best already was and if i was exactly the same i wouldn't be me. and i wouldn't need help.

i like needing help.
being fragile and volatile.
reckless and insecure.
selfish and ignorant.

i can't do this alone.
and i've never been alone.
thank you.

On September 10th I preordered the new BraveSaintSaturn CD. I was informed that it would arrive on or before the 15th, the day it came out. However for some reason I didn't receive it until today.














I also ordered that sweet tshirt too.


but as a result of it taking way longer than it was supposed to ship I also got this:














A handwritten note on the invoice from their vocalist and a sticker from his old band. Haha.

Some off color things you may not know about me:

I always fold my fast food wrappers when I'm done eating.

I feel really self conscious about how skinny I am.

I hate it when people touch my straws. I don't even like to touch them myself.

I'm afraid that I will get strangled by my blankets while I'm sleeping.

I never wear shirts to bed because they could strangle me too.

I hate talking on the phone because I feel like someone could be listening in even though I know no one is.

I never feel like my art is the best I could have done; when I finish a piece I see all the things I could have done better. That's why I love music as an art form. If I decide to change something I can change it an play it differently the next time. A lot of traditional visual art you can't do that with, you simply have to start all over.

I can easily sleep for more than 12 hours.

I want people to think I have problems color coordinating, because I'm actually really good at coordinating them. I just coordinate them to clash.

I think this is the most incredible video on the internet, ever:

There are subjects that are far too big for me to really take in and grasp in their entirety. Truth is one such topic. Defining what truth is is incredibly difficult. I really can't even begin to say what is or isn't true.

I like to think that the things I feel in the deepest parts of me, even when my mind is screaming the opposite or everyone is saying something different, are the truest things. And I think most of those things are something, that if everyone stopped and listened to that part of their self, would agree are true.

I don't want to even begin to touch what things I think are true and which aren't, on the internet especially, because as soon as I make a claim I know someone will disagree and I don't know that there is a way to actually prove either way. I think the best I can do is to discuss it with the person, but I don't feel the internet is the best for a real dialogue.

There are truths. I think everyone knows that deep down. I think that even if we all disagree about what they are we all know there are some out there.

I used to listen to the band Mest a lot in junior high and high school. I recently read that they are getting back together. I started listening to their stuff again. It's funny how music changes for me as I get older. There are some bands that I still get goosebumps when I listen to their new songs. But the majority of music I liked in high school and especially junior high, just doesn't do it for me anymore. Even the stuff that I still really like to listen to doesn't get me excited when it comes on. I don't know. I wish I could just expand my taste instead of having it change. I like to love lots of music, it just means that I never have a shortage of stuff to listen to.

A few albums are coming out that I'm really excited about: Kanye, Jay-Z, Fall Out Boy, and I'm still waiting for my copy of the Brave Saint Saturn disc.

It just occurred to me that I haven't been able to listen to music with out some sort of other back ground noise in a long time. All summer I've had fans on in my room so the music has that behind it. In the car I have car noises.

Music is far better when there isn't other noise to distract from it.

I like to be clean shaven...

I like to be clean shaven. I never really have intentions of maintaining a beard. But I have a week off from work and work is the only reason I have never had the option of growing a beard, so I'm going to see how sweet I can get my beard. I'm on day 3 now. I didn't take a picture on day one because it was just normal, but I have for day's 2 and 3. They're up on my myspace. And after next sunday I'm shaving it all into a mustache. It's gonna be bonkers.

anti-meridian

A long time ago I was a wholehearted fan of a band name Five Iron Frenzy. So wholehearted that I loved they're side projects as well, though looking back a few of them didn't really deserve that love. However, one that does deserve that love is Brave Saint Saturn.

I have been a huge fan of this band, maybe even more than Five Iron, since they first started off. They are incredible.

Monday they have a new album coming out. This is their first in 5 years! I'm am more excited about it than any other albums coming out this year (well with maybe a few exceptions... FOB).

Check them out.

I never used to like this band. Then I heard this song.




Its rad how many cameos are in there. A couple of which I never would have expected. I want to be in a music video...