At some point in the past year I slipped from the pursuit of being a good man (the kind of man that she wanted me to be, the kind that really subscribes fully to the teachings of Christ) and delved into a world of self destruction and indulgence just to punish her in some sick way.

I hoped that every wrong act I committed would scream that she was the fault. I think that point may have just slipped right past her and said something more like 'I never really was the man you thought,' which is even less productive than the former.

Its true that I did do some of it to stay away some of the pain I was feeling, but most of it was a hate letter written in my own blood. It was the only way for me to exact my revenge; I never had the heart to do anything to her. Deep down I will always be that guy incapable of truly destroying another person, especially her.

The point at which I played my failed hand was about this time during the year.

Holidays.

I hate the holidays.
Christmas is for lovers
And when I am loveless they seem worthless. Not this year though. I'm going to make it through this winter with cold hands and no touch to warm them.

At least that's the plan.

'I get by with a little help from my friends,
I get...' Yeah tried that one too. Not really the solution I was looking for.

Tonight, for the first time in months, I let the pain actualize, realized how much I missed her, and let the tears run. Pathetic, that more than a year later I'm still caught up by her. Her name still makes me flinch. I think that's what brought on the emotion. Brutal questioning.

'Are you still getting over...'

Absolutely. If I ever really do, well, it'll be a miracle.
It's not even a love thing anymore. Its...

I don't even know what it is. I just don't want to look back on what we had with regret. At this point 'just getting over it' seems like it would make me regret having ever met her. Hope keeps me from regretting it.

I need a princess to save me. Sometimes the prince needs a little saving too.

There I said it.

I need rescuing.
More than most.

I need a savior.

'Best friends, ex-friends 'til the end.'

That's what I miss most. Having a best friend that gets every thing I don't say before I spew it in a mess like this. Maybe it'll never happen again. I'm lucky to have had it at all. I'd be even luckier to have it happen again.

Or get it back with her.

'Better off as lovers, but not the other way around'
Maybe that's how we were. Maybe it just can't work unless we are in love, and I'm fairly certain that will never happen again. But what is life with out hope?

Meaningless or boring.

And I won't settle for either.