Different

I remember when these words meant the world to us:

Tell myself on the ride home.
Getting tired, hating all I've known.
Holding on like it's all I have.
Count me out when it's clear that I
find it hard to say.
And you find it hard to care.

I wanted to see something that's different,
something you said would change in me.
Wanted to be anything different,
everything you would change in me.

Got this way, up front but never true.
God, I'm wrong, it's just the way I am.
Crashing down any chance you'll hear.
Caving in any chance that you,
could see inside of me.
And I, I'll know what to say,
It's fine, this isn't Hollywood.
So fine, getting in your way.

I wanted to see something that's different,
something you said would change in me.
Wanted to be anything different,
everything you would change in me.

I'm taking a chance,
this could be different.
This could be all I'm waiting for.
Taking a chance,
this could be different.
This could be all I'm waiting for.

I wanted to see something that's different,
something you said would change in me.
Wanted to be anything different,
everything you would change in me.

Something that's different (something that's different)

-Acceptance

World poverty is something that I have a great passion for. Despite what you think about poverty in America, welfare issues, or socialist ideals, there are places in the world where people are dying because they have no opportunity to acquire the funding they need for day to day living. It doesn't matter if you think that welfare is a chance for people to freeload off the government or that its a great idea because other places in the world don't have the chance to make a living for themselves and need help. As a part of one of the most financially blessed nations in the world, even in a massive economic crisis, we have resources to help these countries in need.

I encourage you to look into one.org

It is a campaign to take a very small fraction of the money earned by the government and allot it toward helping poverty stricken nations.

Currently, signatures are being collected for a petition encouraging our president elect to address this campaign in his inaugural address in January. I think that this is invaluable way for our country to take a stand against global poverty and really make a difference. It only takes a few seconds to sign the petition, so please, if you care about this issue, check out this link:

http://www.one.org/inauguration/

I've been thinking about the records that I will place in my top 10 for the year.

I don't think I'm going to make a list this year.

Not that I don't think that there were too few amazing albums, or even that there are too many to sift through. It's just that the records I listened to the most probably aren't the best, or even my favorite. My listening has been all over the place this year and I love so many discs on so many different levels that it hard to say that one is actually better than another. Maybe I'll just make a huge list of all the stuff I got this year that really stuck with me.

Maybe I will write about a few that I really know I love and put a lot of thought about why I loved them. That will have a lot more writing potential than a sloppy list or 10 mediocre reviews of albums I'm not even that sure about.

Thinking out loud.

At some point in the past year I slipped from the pursuit of being a good man (the kind of man that she wanted me to be, the kind that really subscribes fully to the teachings of Christ) and delved into a world of self destruction and indulgence just to punish her in some sick way.

I hoped that every wrong act I committed would scream that she was the fault. I think that point may have just slipped right past her and said something more like 'I never really was the man you thought,' which is even less productive than the former.

Its true that I did do some of it to stay away some of the pain I was feeling, but most of it was a hate letter written in my own blood. It was the only way for me to exact my revenge; I never had the heart to do anything to her. Deep down I will always be that guy incapable of truly destroying another person, especially her.

The point at which I played my failed hand was about this time during the year.

Holidays.

I hate the holidays.
Christmas is for lovers
And when I am loveless they seem worthless. Not this year though. I'm going to make it through this winter with cold hands and no touch to warm them.

At least that's the plan.

'I get by with a little help from my friends,
I get...' Yeah tried that one too. Not really the solution I was looking for.

Tonight, for the first time in months, I let the pain actualize, realized how much I missed her, and let the tears run. Pathetic, that more than a year later I'm still caught up by her. Her name still makes me flinch. I think that's what brought on the emotion. Brutal questioning.

'Are you still getting over...'

Absolutely. If I ever really do, well, it'll be a miracle.
It's not even a love thing anymore. Its...

I don't even know what it is. I just don't want to look back on what we had with regret. At this point 'just getting over it' seems like it would make me regret having ever met her. Hope keeps me from regretting it.

I need a princess to save me. Sometimes the prince needs a little saving too.

There I said it.

I need rescuing.
More than most.

I need a savior.

'Best friends, ex-friends 'til the end.'

That's what I miss most. Having a best friend that gets every thing I don't say before I spew it in a mess like this. Maybe it'll never happen again. I'm lucky to have had it at all. I'd be even luckier to have it happen again.

Or get it back with her.

'Better off as lovers, but not the other way around'
Maybe that's how we were. Maybe it just can't work unless we are in love, and I'm fairly certain that will never happen again. But what is life with out hope?

Meaningless or boring.

And I won't settle for either.

If You Could Remember

Why can't we go back, back to a time
When your hopes and goals were the same as mine
The world could have been on fire
But in our own world, everything was fine
We used to walk the exact same line
So close but I never saw any sign
I look at my empty hands and wonder, how the hell I could have been so blind

If you could remember
Before things went wrong things went right
Just try to remember
Every time the sun would never rise
We stayed up all night
I have to remember
How it hurt not to be with you
Now it hurts when I think of you
I just try to remember
No matter how much I wanted, it wasn't our time

I hate myself for letting things fall apart
I hate myself not seeing things from the start
I hate the fact we act like we don't even know each other
It's not that I'm still in love with you
Well I can feel a little yet, that's true
I just don't want to look back with regret on the time that I spent with you

If you could remember
Before things went wrong things went right
Just try to remember
Every time the sun would never rise
We stayed up all night
I have to remember
How it hurt not to be with you
Now it hurts when I think of you
I just try to remember
No matter how much i wanted, it wasn't our time

No matter how hard I try
I thought you were never satisfied
No matter how hard you tried
You thought I was never satisfied
No matter how hard I try
I thought you were never satisfied
No matter how hard you tried
You thought I was never...

If you could remember
Before things went wrong things went right
Just try to remember
Every time the sun would never rise
We stayed up all night
I have to remember
How it hurt not to be with you
Now it hurts when I think of you
I just try to remember
No matter how much I wanted, it wasn't our time


-Damnation A.D.

In the past year I have run my life through the gauntlet.
Fortunately the damage I took was mendable and grace is enough to get me back on the path I want to be with my life.

I'll admit I gained more rough edges than I had before. I am not the same boy that I was for the past year, but I'm not quite the same one as I was before. I would like to say that deep down the things that made me me are the same but I don't even know if that's true at this point.

I'm working on it.
The beauty of grace is that it makes life not fair.
Thank God for second chances because I would be in a fairly shitty situation if they didn't exist.

Every second I'm awake is a reminder that I'm not quite like anyone else.

And neither is she.

They say 'its better to have loved and lost than to have never loved at all.'
I don't know.

Sometimes I think it would have been better to have never fallen in love. I have once, maybe twice. I was sure of it the first time... but then the second one happened. Now I have doubts about whether the first was real love at all.

Had the second never happened I wouldn't really know what love is and anything better than the first would hold the illusion. Then I could at least believe that I could find love again.

The things I really mean, the things I truly believe 100%, are the things I say when no one is around to hear them. In the dark, alone in my room.

I don't want to fall in love

I will always wonder if I really am, or if she really compares, or if she will ever come back around.

Too many ifs.

Breathe, just breathe. The best advice she ever gave me.

Watch this film: Wristcutters- A Love Story

I miss this band so much. If Midtown ever does a reunion tour I will be the first in line to get tickets.

I seek companionship constantly.

Not necessarily romantic companionship, just kindred spirits, people so similar to me that I can share my whole life with them without feeling embarrassed or ashamed of anything that I care about or do.

Unfortunately, all of my closest friends have other people in their lives that are closer than I am. It makes me feel alone sometimes. Sometimes I just want a relationship so I can have someone that close all the time. But on the other hand I know what I want in a relationship so I can't settle for just anything. And there will always be a part of me that screams how I'm better off on my own, that keeping people at arms length is far more safe and wise than letting myself fall for anyone ever again. Fortunately, its rare that that thought overwhelms my desire for someone to share life with.

Someday.

Everything I do, everything I eat, drink, feel and say, everywhere I go and everything I think is because someone I admire already did.

I don't feel this is a waste of my life. It just means I get to spend it being a part of the people I respect and desire to be like.

Imitation is suicide.
I disagree.

Is there anything that hasn't been said? Anything that hasn't been made? Anything at all that has never been done? Is there a single inch of this earth's surface that hasn't been seen? I doubt it. So we are all a synthesis of the experiences of those that walked the paths before us.

Is it wrong to single out a few paths to follow? I don't think so. Then at least I have a direction to be heading, right?

a word on patriotism

Let me preface this by saying that this does not pertain to either political candidate that ran for the presidency this year. This is not based on my political opinions and I would say it regardless of the outcome. You can speculate who I voted for based on this but I am positive that any speculation will be wrong.

One of my good friends has a very very conservative, Republican grandma. She was openly a McCain supporter. However on Wednesday (I believe) she asked my friend if he had another Obama button, because she wanted to wear one since he was her new President and wanted to support him.

It gave me chills hear that.

That, my friends, is what true patriotism is.

It baffles me that people are talking about leaving the country, committing treason, or other anti-Obama actions.

A large portion of those people claim to love and defend democracy.

By saying that Obama is the wrong choice is saying that democracy doesn't work and is wrong. The idea behind democracy is that the majority makes the decisions for the country. By subscribing to it as a choice form of government means that sometimes the nation will not decide the things that you believe.

THAT IS NOT A BAD THING!

You do not have to agree with the decisions made by the government, but if you think that democracy is the best form of government then you have to support then you have to be okay with any of the choices made.

Protest if you disagree, or wait until the next election and get out and push for more similar minded people to get out and vote. Only 64% of Americans voted this year. If we can get more people to vote we can get a more accurate representation for the nation's desires. From my personal encounters the Democrats were far more active in getting people out to vote which probably aided in the results in Colorado's presidential choice as well as the choice for the Colorado amendments, Congress and Senate.

There are things that people need to think about before they get up in arms about the decision that our country made. Please think about what to do next time around instead of planning on ways to escape the next four years.

Tomorrow is the day.
Go vote.

I won't tell you to vote for a specific candidate or how to vote on the amendments. I know people vary in their ideals and issues that they care about, so vote for the things you care about. Just do it!

Voting is a right that our country was founded on. Take advantage of it!