i'm finally going to acknowledge something about myself. something i've kept a secret for the past few years.

the thing i look for most in love is not traditional. it isn't companionship, its isn't trust, hell it isn't even sex. sure i ultimately desire those things once i have love, but they aren't what make me crave love.

the thing i crave is the sensuality.

sensuality.

secretly grabbing her hand at inappropriate times.
her nose brushing against mine while we're cuddled up on the couch.
the first few innocent, confused, horrified kisses.

all of it is so perfect. its why i have a hard time in relationships. i try to make that last forever. i know it cant be found the same way after a while, but i keep fighting to find ways to acquire that rush. and i always desire for her to want it as much as i do.

there has to be a girl like that somewhere.

there's something very liberating about being on stage.
its a act of expression. screaming a message through music.

i felt that again tonight. it was awesome. i didn't do anything to calm my nerves, i wanted to feel every ounce of the adrenaline. even though the words weren't mine, the task of delivering them was given to me in part and they became something of me.

i love it. i need it.

there are few things i really need.
water
food
shelter

...and a medium to express something in me

sorry i was a little off. it been a year since i did that last. i'll get back in the swing of it, make it truly mine.

All I have is time.

A breath suspended between words, probably manipulative to some degree. Words for some selfish gain.

Maybe next time will be different.
I could be different, but first I need a reason to be different.
Maybe next time.
Hopefully next time.

All I have is time.

Give me a chance and I will change the way you see things.
Love is a game, but I won't settle for a loss.
Maybe a tie, or a stalemate.
Something we have to settle later. And I will win.

I really want to put up some pictures of my art from this semester on here, but Betony has my camera. Damn.

I'm really proud of some of the stuff I've done. I think I want to expand on my two favorite projects. Take one a little further and make one into something a little different, a little more functional. I'll post pictures as soon as I get my camera back and then I'll decide on the changes.

To not be cynical about our nation, the promises of politicians, and even the coming election is to be blind to the catastrophe we are surrounded by.

To turn a blind eye is to be part of the problem. To ignore the suffering of the world is to deny what our nations has claimed to be and stands for. To pretend that we are truly doing good in the world is to lie to one's self.

Be aware. Learn of the suffering around the world. Feel. Suffer distress for those that are starving, living on the streets, and dying of easily treated causes. DO SOMETHING!

What causes are you sympathetic to? What problems do you feel most passionately about remedying?

I honestly can't say where my life is going.

I have so many goals that conflict that it will be nearly impossible to attain them all.

so how do I choose?

maybe its one of those things where I just have to see what happens. I don't really like just waiting to see. I like to be able to do the things I have a longing for, but I don't know how to do all of them. and I don't know how to weigh them all out and eliminate the ones that are lesser. in my mind they are all equal.

hmm...

Remember when we met?
Remember when we discovered Acceptance?
Do you remember the songs we fell in love to?

I do.

Do you remember the first time I told you 'i love you'?
Remember how it felt to want to never let go?
Remember how hard the distance became?

I do.

Remember when I realized that no one else compared?
Do you remember trying to do it all over again?
Remember when we failed to let each other know all the things we thought?
How it started to fall apart?
That I didn't know what had happened?

Remember that perfect moment of clarity when we both knew what had happened and at the same time knew it was too late for us?

Do you remember how hard I fought?
How much I cried?
How much of myself was lost when you drove away that last night?
How I will never be able to be that boy ever again?
How something was completely changed in that instant?

Do you remember how much a struggled to make you hear me out? To give me one last chance? A do-over? Anything?

Remember that goodbye note you wrote me? The one I received one year ago today?

Remember the reply I never was able to get out quite right?
Of course not, I never sent it. I never even signed my name.

Well here it is. Everything I need to say.

I love you.
I always will.
Things are different now, and will never be the same.
Goodbye my friend.
Maybe in another life, another time or place, we will meet again.
I love you.

This is my eulogy of sorts. My goodbye note to my dearest of friends. The one I doubt she will ever even read. I have finally let go, finally gotten over her. But her voice, laugh, smile will haunt me for eternity. I will always miss her.

Goodbye my friend.

the single thing i hate most in the entire world is that moment when you realize its starting to get light outside and the night is over. any night that end up in me staying up to see the sun rise is an awesome night, and i hate that it has to end.

i say this because i saw nick and norah's infinite playlist last night. (go see it. it's awesome.) the majority of the movie takes place at night and it ends when the sun starts to come up and i was disappointed for them that the night had to end.

i love night time. i love the dark and the cold. i wish it could just be night all the time.

having moved back to colorado i miss:
urban golf
staying up way too late
getting up way too early
not sleeping enough
eating with people at every meal
adventures
having built in friends

had i not moved back to colorado i would miss:
new friends
playing music
going to shows
having a big room all to myself
getting enough sleep
my cats

i don't know which i would prefer

sometimes the things i do seems stupid. dangerous. unhealthy. to everyone around me.

please be patient. i'm not perfect. it's not an excuse, just the truth.
i'm trying to be the best boy possible, and stay myself.
then again, even if i could be the best, i don't know that i would. that's a lot to live up to. the best already was and if i was exactly the same i wouldn't be me. and i wouldn't need help.

i like needing help.
being fragile and volatile.
reckless and insecure.
selfish and ignorant.

i can't do this alone.
and i've never been alone.
thank you.